Now, before I proceed I need to clarify two things. 1. I really enjoy lists and 2. I’m not a man hater. The truth is, I enjoy men and have spent most of my life involved in some kind of mad crush on one or two at a time. However, at this point in my life I feel it necessary to make some *idiot* men aware of a few things. Let’s get started:
13. Over waxing your eyebrows makes you a creep!
Man grooming in very important and appreciated. Nobody wants to look at the Wolfman. However, if your eyebrows are more sculpted and waxed than your lady friend, she will assume you are going to hide her in your basement to make a skin suit in the Buffalo Bill fashion. Eek!
My aunt called and wants her eyebrows back!
12. Balding happens. Get over it!
Naturally a lot of men fear hair loss. We are inundated with hair growth product commercials and the message is: You can’t be bald! False! Just take a cue from proud baldies such as Bruce Willis and LL Cool J and work the shiny head. However you decide to rock the balding head, stay away from the Trump-esque comb over. This is not desirable to females of any age and will make you look like Creepy Uncle Touch-a-lot.
Craigslist newest personal ad pic
11. It’s kind of cute that you’re scared of the dark….
But don’t milk it. Now that our society has allowed for men to be more emotionally open, it’s not unlikely to see a full-grown man openly displaying his fear and sorrow in a theatre or on the sofa during movie night. But when the man turns into a shivering simpleton it only comes across one of two ways. Either you’re “special” or you think your emotional vulnerability will get you laid. Wrong! Please don’t ask the woman to check under your car for the boogeyman. It’s just weird. And if scary movies really do scare the hell out of you, opt for something funny.
10. Mistaking Yanni for classical music is detrimental.
If a lady friend tells you her favorite classical composer is Beethoven, Bach, Chopin, Liszt…or whomever, acknowledge her fine taste in music and go to the library the very next morning and study up. Do not make the mistake of popping in your mother’s old Yanni CD as a tool of seduction. She will laugh at you, tell all her friends, and probably post it on Facebook and Twitter. And you deserve it.
This man is not Beethoven!!
9. Joey Buttafuocco and Lisa Nowak
If you don’t know these names, do a Google search. We want to avoid situations like these, i.e. married to/dating a psychopath while getting involved/sleeping with another psychopath. They never end well and you will probably find yourself either dead or internationally humiliated and forever tied to the astronaut diaper mayhem. Yikes!!!
8. Never list Nickelback and/or Creed in your top faves!
Okay. If you own albums by either bands, burn them! If you can’t see yourself parting with them, well, keep it as a dirty little secret. You’re allowed to have one…or two. But never, ever publicly out yourself as a fan. The only women these bands will attract are middle aged groupies and high school chicks. Neither demographic is datable. Do yourself a favor and check out new music on Pandora Radio. Try typing in something like Florence and the Machine, U2, Sam Cooke, or The Beatles and it will create a station for your to browse and discover some good music.
With arms wide open……no thanks! I’d rather not.
7. Chain restaurants are not an option for authentic international cuisine.
Go on! Enjoy the Olive Garden and PF Chang’s if you must! Just don’t mistake them for genuine international food experiences. They are created and designed by major corporations to serve crap food at high prices with labels like “From the hills of Tuscany…” Don’t be fooled. These places are nothing more McDonald’s with a little more lipstick. I’m not saying you can’t like them. I’m simply letting you know that it’s crap. The Olive Garden was conceptualized and opened by General Mills for god’s sake! Ya! The people who make Count Chocula!
6. Chicks dig Snoop Dogg
They do! Just sayin’. And…you’re welcome.
5. Edward Cullen is a fictional vampire.
If you are not well versed (and let’s hope you aren’t) in teen fiction novels, let me shed some light on said character. Edward Cullen is a pasty, whiny, overly sensitive excuse for a romantic lead in a series of young adult romance novels called Twilight. His 700 year old carcase is in love with an angsty high school girl who is also involved with an idiot werewolf. Want to vomit yet? Now, you may be curious as to why I even mentioned this Cullen fellow, right? Well, the truth is there are loads of adult women who find themselves wrapped up in the Twilight drama and want to be the next Mrs. Sparkling Cullen. Ya, so if she mentions that name ask for the check, taker her home, and end it. She’s completely insane.
700-year-old sparkling douchebag!
4. Never underestimate the power of a lesbian.
Typically when men make mention of lesbians, they are referring to bleach blonde make-out porn. Well, I’m not going there. I’m referring to a real, only-likes-women, not interested in you sexually, totally lesbian, lesbians. Experimentals need not apply. A real lesbian pal will not only arm punch you like a man, but she’ll make you laugh and her purebred will definitely help you pick up the ladies at the dog park.
3. And speaking of homosexuals, do not be threatened by her gay friends!
It makes you look stupid and insecure! Sure he’s an attractive male, but c’mon did you meet the guy? Every girl needs her unicorn friend(s) and if you sit and worry that he’s going to woo her away from you, then you’re an idiot. And don’t assume that just because he’s gay he must have a crush on you. That’s also a major offense. Always remember, if you tell her his gayness makes you uncomfortable she’ll assume you’re either in the closet yourself or a homophobe and she’ll dump your sorry ass.
Blame it on cartoons in the 80’s, but girls love their gays!
2. Women fart.
I’ll let you mull over that one and we’ll move on. But it’s true. Gasp! They are human, too.
1. Pointy boots and blingy gear is never appropriate!
I’m not kidding. If you own pointy boots and even one Ed Hardy t-shirt or whatever the flavor of the moment brand is, throw it away! Trash that sucker. I don’t care if it was designed by a Frenchman, it’s a horrible abomination that must be destroyed. Unless you’re dressing up for Halloween as a douchebag bro, there isn’t one good reason to wear it on a date, to the gym, or anywhere else you are seen in public. Leave it for the biker wannabe weekenders and moonlighting investment bankers who think they can still date 20-year-olds. Eww.
Not. Cool. Ever.
And those are my 13 points every *idiot* man should know. To wrap it up, don’t be a homophobic, Ed Hardy wearing douchebag who listens to Nickelback on the way to the Olive Garden after you faked your way through a scary movie to hit it with a psychotic Twilight fan who is weirded out by your over waxed eyebrows and terrible comb-over. Got it?
Post by Carrie