I feel like each time a year ends and another begins people start to take stock of everything from health to dreams and goals, putting a perimeter or time on the things we want to accomplish in the coming year. We give ourselves a week, month, or the next 365 days to turn things around and make promises like a politician to the reflection in the mirror. And, at the end of it all, we time it.
“You have a year. Don’t screw up”.
I, like nearly everyone else in the world, started thinking about what I want to do in 2015. I made lists, cleaned out some emails, and even reconnected with some people from the past before the clock strikes midnight on January 1. All of it made me feel like I was somehow ahead of the twelve hallow dongs which will place inside my mind when the clock goes from 11:59 to 12:00 am in just over 24 hours from now.
“I’m ready for the final countdown”….wait…what?
What the hell am I counting down for in the first place? I’m not boarding that space ship for the Mission to Mars experiment and I haven’t received any dooming news that I have six months left to live, so…why am I counting down again? And then it hit me and it struck me hard. “You idiot! This is why you almost always fail when you make promises to yourself”. Inner Carrie doesn’t mince her words. I realized that the more I put time limits and expectations on my goals, the more prone to failure I become, allowing myself to sink in to the muddy pit of late spring despair. You know, around April when everything you wanted to do by then has fallen by the wayside and you’re standing in line at the DMV on a windy day contemplating why you got out of bed in the first place.
Einstein said that time is an illusion. It is nothing but a man made measurement. Aside from the seasons and sun up to sun down, everything is just…made up. There is a year, January 1 through December 31 which most people on earth abide by, but then there are fiscal years, academic years, performing seasons, blah, blah, blah. Our days are cut up in little chunks of hours, minutes, seconds and there’s before noon, afternoon, evening….wow. I’m exhausted already. We live under these guidelines of a ticking clock and even though it all seems digestible, we still feel like we don’t have enough time. It is always running out. No time to work out. Not enough time spent with someone we love. Never enough time to accomplish tasks at work or at home. There isn’t enough time!! OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Alright, we’ve faced it and now what do we do with it? Heck if I know! But how long are we going to restrict growth, progress, and even joy with this invisible clock ticking away, eating at our souls because we are running out of something that really isn’t even a truth. And how many times are we going to self sabotage because we’ve lost focus of the journey because the only thing we’re watching is that darn timeline we’ve given ourselves to complete…something.
Of course I have goals for the new year. However, this time (ha) I am not going to divide it all up in deadlines that may or may not be met. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and my number one goal is to continue working on Carrie. Allowing her to experience the most beautiful, open, gracious side of herself and to devour the life she is living and allow her to be at peace with all of the humanity that will inevitably happen in 2015. I cannot live categorized by tabs on a file folder of life all leading to some big, giant…thing in the sky. Nope. It is time to fully enjoy all of the big things and everything happening in between them.
Summed up, I am giving myself time. Time to be.
I wish everyone success in whatever you choose to pursue in the coming year. May it be your goals, dreams, dedications, and passion. May this year be the year of the real you and the real me. May we all walk in confidence and at the end of 2015 say “Damn, that was a good year!”